Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Why I Hate Family Dinners

I hate family dinners.

There, I said it.  I f'in hate family dinners.

Family dinners are one of those things that sound great in theory.  The three of us, sitting around the beautifully decorated table, eating a delicious and well-balanced homemade dinner, while telling each other the details of our day.  It's the shit that Norman Rockwell paintings are made of.

Prior to having Myra, our "family" dinner consisted of us sitting in front of the TV, totally zoned out and silent, while chowing down on our food.  I guess that makes us white trash.  In our defense, Josh and I both work hard all day and the by time we get to dinner, we are too exhausted to talk about anything meaningful.

When Moosey started eating actual food, we realized that family dinners really didn't make sense because we had to feed Moosey so early to get her to bed.  We would feed her, bathe her, and get her to bed before resuming our spots on the couch.

Stayin' classy.

There were times that we would eat together during the summer and it was great.  She would sit with us and eat a variety of sophisticated things such as salmon, asparagus, and pork belly.  I'm not kidding.

Nicely eating her grilled salmon in the spring.  Those were the days...sigh.

We would also eat together (obviously) when we went to restaurants, where Myra was a perfect angel, not making a sound and eating everything in front of her.  Again, not kidding, she is still that way at restaurants.

So, armed with that knowledge and brimming with the enthusiam of first-time parents morons, we made the decision, late this summer, to go to family dinner every night.

Biggest.  Mistake.  Ever.

Because my Moose is 2, she is stubborn as hell and has now decided that she refuses to eat dinner unless it is Parmesan cheese.

Why Parmesan cheese, you ask?  Well, we had a dinner one night that called for grated Parmesan, so we gave her some.  SECOND biggest mistake ever.

We were desperate to get her to eat, so we gave her a mountain of cheese in an attempt to hide the gluten free spinach fettuccine.  As you may have guessed, she only ate the Parmesan cheese.

I wasn't exaggerating.  It was a mountain.

So, now, the first battle every night is over cheese.  The first few nights, we let her have some cheese, thinking that we could "hide" the regular food.  Nope.  Once she realized what was happening, she chucked her utensils and starting licking her finger, sticking it into the food, and licking the cheese off.  I gotta hand it to the kid, it's a pretty smart move to avoid getting any of the food that is underneath the cheese.

So, the cheese had to go.  She demands it every night and every night, we refuse it.  "No, Myra, the only people who get to eat Parmesan cheese for dinner are the people who never again want to poop."

And then it is over.  Not the stupid dinner, unfortunately, but any chance of her eating.  Once she knows that cheese is out of the question, she just won't eat.  And what can I do??  I can't actually make her eat.

We try EVERYTHING.  We threaten her, we take her up to bed, we put her in time out, nothing works.  In fact, the little shit darling now asks for time-out because she knows that it gets her out of her high chair.  Myra: 1 Mommy & Daddy: 0.

We even sit there, like the total jackasses that we said we would never be, and ask her nicely, "Myra, darling, will you please do the me the honor of eating this delicious and healthy food that I cooked for you."  No damn dice.

We bribe her.  We use movies, chocolate, you name it.  Doesn't work.

So, every night, we sit there, watching her get pissed that she can't get out of her highchair, while inhaling our food to the point of getting indigestion.  Our conversation doesn't include anything about our day, unless our day happens to include working in a Parmesan cheese factory.

Then we look at ourselves, and say, "who in the hell told us that this was a good idea?!"  

Yet, we do it again.  Every  Night.  Every. Single. F*&%ing. Night.

And, so, to all of you new parents out there, I have only one thing to say to you: DON'T DO IT.  For your peace of mind and sanity, NO FAMILY DINNERS.

UPDATE: I wrote this a few weeks ago, but some how forgot to post it.  I am so happy to say that we have turned a huge corner and Myra is now great at meals!  It is awesome.  She sits nicely and eats every night.  When she asks for dessert, we tell her that she has to take 5 more bites and she sits there and counts out the bites.  No joke.  It is awesome.  

So, while I no longer hate family dinners, I am happy to have my eyes wide open because we may have another child someday and I will go back to dreading the dinner hour.  So please read on because you will also experience this sentiment at one point, like during the toddler years.

And, if we are totally honest here, while she has gotten much better behaved, I still feel like family dinners are slightly overrated.  Unless, of course, "family dinner" refers to a group of adults friends and family going out for dinner and drinks without kids.  In that case, I freakin' LOVE family dinners!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Letting Go Mini-Van Style

I am getting a minivan.

Insert several F-bombs here as I slowly watch my self-esteem plummet.

Let me start my saying that I rarely say "never," but I have always said NEVER to a stupid mini-van.  Not just for the obvious reasons, but because riding in them makes me car sick because they sit so damn low, so owning one would resign me to permanent chauffeur status, even with Josh in the car.

But, alas, I am getting one.

Let me be clear: I am not getting one anytime soon, but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it is going to happen.  Sort of like pooping on the table, peeing on yourself during working out, boobs sagging, and stretch marks, mini-vans are one of the inevitable facts of motherhood.

Insert a few more f-bombs.

Even this guy knows it.

Back in October 2010, we bought a brand spankin' new Maroon Honda Pilot.  It is an awesome car.  We bought it with the intention of starting and growing our family in it.  With that in mind, we upgraded to the built in DVD player with a Bose sound system and headphones.  That's how we roll.  Unfortunately Moose does not use the headphones, but having the DVD player has proven to be priceless on long car trips.

Here is the thing though.  We travel a lot.  Our car is 3 years old and has 67,000 miles on it.  Crazy, right?  That is what happens when you live far away from family.  We travel all of the time and our shortest trip is 5.5 hours.

When we pack the Pilot, especially for the holidays or to spend a few weeks with family in the summer, it is like stuffing a sausage.  We end up packing the backseat to the point where poor Scooter only has about 2 square feet to rest his weary body.  When we open the trunk, we have to stand underneath the hatch with our hands out to catch falling luggage.

I know, I know, you are probably thinking, pack less!  And you are halfway right.  I could probably do a little bit of a better job cutting down on Moose's wardrobe.  BUT, even if I did that, it only eliminates one little...okay, one giant...bag.  We still have the suitcases, the toys, the pack 'n play, the BOB stroller, the DVDs, books, us, the dog, a giant cooler, etc, etc, etc.  It just can't fit.

And as we think of adding child #2 to the equation, there is no way in hell that we are going to fit into our Pilot.  In comes the damn mini-van.

More f-bombs.

I know, I know, all of you have mini vans and you love them.  You wear your soccer Mom badge and Mom jeans proudly.  You rock out in style every single day in the preschool pick up line.  You glow every time that you hit your little button to open all of the doors because apparently opening doors is too much for Moms.  I get it.  It's the path that my life is taking.

Admit it though: Even though you are walking billboard for mini-vans now, you had to come to terms with it at one point.  You might love it now, but there was one point, before you had your first (or second) kid, where you declared, "I will NEVER drive a mini-van."

And it makes sense.  It is a hard one to swallow.  It is like kissing the last part of the "old me" goodbye.  Two years and 10 months ago, I gave up by body being mine, first through pregnancy and then through having a barnacle toddler.  I kissed my flat non stretch-marked stomach and nice boobs goodbye.  I sent my free time on a way one trip.  I gave up not peeing during exercise.  I traded in my stylish clothes for yoga pants and hoodies even though I don't have time to even think about yoga, let alone do it.  I stopped listening to normal music so that we can listen to Elmo in the car.  I moved my nice furniture out of the family room to make space for colorful, loud plastic toys.  I no longer stay up, let alone out, late.  I traded in my entire life when I had a baby.

And that is okay.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I love being a Mom.  I just want to keep my damn car.  Is that too much to ask for?!

Apparently the answer to that is yes.

Insert more f-bombs.

As a side note, when I Googled "someecards mini van," there were some hysterical cards!  I would highly recommend doing it if you are bored sometime.  :)

Thursday, January 2, 2014

2014 Fitness & Wellness Journey!

Okay, how inspirational is that poster?!  Seriously amazing, right?

The ladies pictured above are all of the girls on my team for T25.  We are all real women with real jobs, real kids, real husbands, real budget concerns, real time constraints, real problems that everyone faces.  BUT, what we all have in common is that we have committed 25 minutes per day in order to achieve our health and wellness goals.  

That's it.  25 minutes.  In our own homes.  We all have 25 minutes.

So what's your excuse?

I am asking you to join me on this journey in 2014.  I promise that you won't be disappointed.  

I waited months to try this program.  First, I used the money excuse, then the time excuse, then the "is this for real or is it a scam?" excuse.  But then I ran out of excuses and gave it a try and have never been happier OR healthier.

AND..here is the SUPER EXCITING part!  There is a sale on T25 and Shakeology this month!!!  And come on, who among us is not a sucker for a good sale?!

T25 normally costs $119.85 plus shipping and tax (ends up being around $135 / $140) and Shakeology runs $129 per month and are $205 if you order them together.

This month though, you get T25 and a 30 day supply of Shakeology for only $180!!!  
That is a savings of over $85!!  Unreal.  I am so jealous that they didn't have this deal when I signed up.

Whatever your health and wellness goals are for 2014, the Challenge Pack is the perfect way to kick start them.  It is how I started and look at my results in only 4 weeks (with no other diet changes)!

The shakes are delicious and can be used as a meal replacement (I eat mine for breakfast).  They have NO GMOs or artificial sweeteners and are loaded with super foods Chocolate Shakeology Ingredients & Nutritional info).  And T25?  Let me repeat.  25 minutes.  I KNOW that you have 25 minutes. 

So, please, come join me on this wellness journey.  Check out the website: Start Getting Healthy Now! (go to "Shop" and "Challenge Packs") or message me.  Once you join, you will get coaching and motivation from both me and the rest of my team!

I can't wait to have you with me in 2014! Cheers!