Sunday, September 29, 2013

Mommy Moments #63 Blog Hop!

Hey mamas!
Welcome back for another great week of Mommy Moments Link Ups! Thank you for linking up and for spreading the word last week! We love all of the great posts!

 This week's most viewed link belongs to Adventures with Jude and her post Accepting an SN Diagnosis. It was a hard one to read but also encouraging as a reminder that God is present even in the trials. 

Our guest host this week is Becky from My Sweet Moose. Make sure you stop by and follow along with her today! Her blog is stinkin' adorable!
My Sweet Moose

Now it's time to link up your posts! All you have to do is...

1. Follow Host: The Life Of Faith 
2. Link up your post!
Post can include anything related to mommy-hood, children, homemaking, pregnancy etc. If you aren't a mom yet, feel free to link up your preparation for motherhood, your journey as you try to conceive, or even a post that would be encouraging to the other moms in the party!

3. Add the Mommy Moments button to your post or blog so everyone knows where you are linking up!

4. Explore some of the other posts in the link-up and say hello to some new blog friends! 

5. Tweet or Share the link up on Facebook so we can all make even more friends!

The Life Of Faith
<div align="center"><a href="" title="The Life Of Faith"><img src="" alt="The Life Of Faith" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

P.S. We will be having a new guest host every week! Want to be a guest host of the Mommy Moments Blog Hop? Send Faith a message at farmprincess14{at}gmail{dot}com. We would love to have you!

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Squirrely Award!

So, somehow I just deleted the post that took me forever to come up with (UGH), so here is my 2nd attempt.


I was recently nominated for The Squirrely Award, which is awesome, despite the fact that squirrels are absolutely terrifying.  Michelle over at MaMade Creations was the one who nominated me.  Her blog is awesome; you should definitely go check it out!

The premise of this award is that you have to write 7 - 10 random facts about yourself.  At first, I had a really hard time coming up with stuff, but as I started to write, I really enjoyed it.  I love reading random facts about people, so this is totally up my alley!  Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

1. I am totally OCD about raw meat.  Whenever I cook, I overly sanitize every single thing.  Soap dispenser, sink, counters, dishwasher...everything.  Raw chicken is the worst.  I was a vegetarian for a few years in college because touching raw meat grossed me out so much.

2. I may or may not have a slight obsession with buying bows for Moose.  I say that the bows are a necessity, Josh says that I have a problem.  Your call...there are 79 hanging up and we have another basket full on the dresser...

Hi, my name is Becky and I have an addiction.

3. I am actually very shy.  People who know me find this really hard to believe.  I have worked hard to overcome my shyness, but it is still who I am.  For that reason, I am a much better writer than I am a speaker, even in social situations (which make me nervous).

4. I am incredibly claustrophobic.  I always have been, but it was made worse when I got trapped in an elevator in NYC 11 years ago.  Since then, I try to avoid elevators at all costs, which has become increasingly difficult as I always have Moose's stroller with me.

5. Josh and I watch a lot of TV.  It is our way of vegging out once we have put Moose to bed, packed lunches for the next day, and cleaned up from dinner.  Both the amount of time spent in front of the TV and the quality of TV watched have increased since we got HBO and Showtime.  Their shows are amazing!

6. Before bed every night, I put the monitor to my ear and spend a few minutes listening to Moose breathe.  The sound is so comforting to me.

7. Josh and I went to high school together, but didn't start dating until grad school.  Our parents are good friends (and lived in the same neighborhood at the time), which is how we met.  We like to say that it was an arranged marriage.

Josh and I on our honeymoon.  We were so young and carefree!

8. Combining #5 and #7, our seven year wedding anniversary is tomorrow (September 29th).  It is also the season three premiere of Homeland.  Not sure which we are more excited about.  ;)

9. Speaking of squirrels, Ohio University (my Alma mater) is said to have some of the smartest squirrels in the world (sounds like an oxymoron).  The squirrels at OU came from Harvard and were intentionally introduced to the campus in 1908.  While I still don't like squirrels, I LOVE OU.

College graduation from OU in 2004.  I was just a baby! 
Although you can't see any squirrels behind me, they are there!

And that's all from me, but now I get to pass this award on to 4 more awesome bloggers!

My friend Courtney at Willis and We who writes about a variety of things and whose energy never ceases to amaze me!

I MayB, which is one of the funniest blogs that I read.  This girl is hilarious!

Leslie at Violet Imperfection who is much more of an experienced blogger than I am, but I wanted to recommend her because I love reading everything that she writes!

Finally, Holly at Little Baby Butt, whose blog not only has an awesome name (baby butts are so sweet), but has great Mommy content.

Enjoy, ladies!

Friday, September 27, 2013

Fluid Retention: My life as the Michelin Man

Do any of you happen to remember the solar eclipse that occurred on October 18th, 2011 at 10:30am?  Confession time:  that was just me walking into my OB's office the week that I gained 7 pounds.  Yes, you read that right.  The WEEK that I gained 7 pounds.

How the hell does one gain 7 pounds in a week, you may ask?  The answer to that is simple.  Fluid.  F'in fluid retention.  Another wonderful truth that is hidden from you during pregnancy.

As a young, glowing, early stage pregnancy (or thinking of becoming pregnant) woman, you are probably thinking of all of the adorable expectant Mommies who you see out there.  They don't have fluid issues.  You have visions in your head of resembling Princess Kate or Gisele.  I mean, why not?  You have always been thin and active.  Why would pregnancy change that?

Well, honey, I hope it does not, but I want you to be prepared for another possibility.  The fluid possibility.  The possibility that you may resemble the GoodYear blimp.  If you are lucky, it might be more like Michelin man.  Either way, prepare yourself for looking like an auto parts mascot.


A few weeks after the 7 pound incident, I went back to the Doctor because I no longer had feelings in or use of my hands.  The diagnosis was carpal tunnel syndrome caused by the fluid putting pressure on my nerves.  Apparently it is common in pregnant women.

Luckily, I was familiar with carpal tunnel because my Grandma had it before she died.  At 90 years old.
When you are 90, no one asks you how you did it.  They figure it is from a lifetime of hard work.

When you see a fat person in their 20s wearing a wrist brace (yes, I had to wear a wrist brace) however, it is a totally different story.  People just assume that you developed it from opening one too many packages of Twinkies.  Oh no, Becky, how ever will you unwrap your morning Snickers bar?

It doesn't end there though.  Apparently being the Michelin man with a wrist brace just wasn't enough for the Pregnancy Gods, so they decided to bless me with cankles.  Serious cankles.  Actually, one of my pregnancy regrets is that I never took pictures of my cankles.  They were righteous.

The best part about my cankles is that they didn't end at my ankles.  No no.  They went all the way up my legs.  My Uggs made my calves have a muffin top.  No joke.  My big, shapeless Uggs were so tight that my calf fat hung over.  Calf fat.  That is like TLC's "I eat 33,000 calories for breakfast" material.

Another joy of having fluid retention is that your wedding rings no longer fit, which causes you to go from being pregnant to being "knocked up."  Honestly, people getting knocked up doesn't bother me in the least, but people look at your differently.  I am dead serious.  People smile at cute pregnant girls with shiny diamond rings.  People sneer at fat pregnant people with pajama pants, a wrist brace, and no wedding rings.

At this point, you are probably waiting for the good news.  Well, there is none.

I gained an estimated 15 pounds of fluid alone.  I had cankles, calves the size of a Redwood tree trunk, carpal tunnel syndrome, and no neck.  And the same could happen to you.  Be prepared.

Double Triple Chin and no eyes.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Over praising our children

I have more than a few pet peeves.  Some might say that makes me a bitch.  I think it just makes me, well, I guess a bitch.  Oh well.

In the midst of people who drive slow in the left lane, husbands not replacing the toilet paper (who the hell just puts in on top of the old roll?!), and websites that don't offer free shipping, are the parents who praise and/or their child for everything.  Every single stupid thing.

I am all about praise when it is deserved.  When you do something that is extraordinary, you deserve to be praised.  When you do something kind for someone, you deserve to be praised.  When you go above and beyond what the expectations are, you deserve to be praised.

You do not, however, deserved to be praised for doing exactly what is expected of you.

The world just simply does not work that way.  "Becky, thank you so much for showing up to work every day.  Every single day.  You are simply amazing."  Um, no.  That pretty much never happens.  And it shouldn't.  Showing up to work is something that you have to do.  Don't f'in thank me for it.  I will think you are either stupid or completely fake.

Another example: we have all been pulled over for going too fast, but I would venture to say that none of us have been pulled over so that the cop can praise us for going the speed limit.  Wow, Ms. Bryson.  You did an amazing job going 25 and not plowing over the kids in the school zone.  Please keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!  Riiiight.

So then, why, I ask, do we do this to children?  Why do we insist on setting them up to be disappointed in life?  While that might not be your intention, overly cheerful super Mommy, it is exactly what you are doing.  You might praise little 5 year old Billy every time that he washes his hands instead of licking them after using the bathroom, but guess what?  No one else will.  What is more likely to happen is simply that he will get in trouble when he doesn't meet the basic expectations.

I literally hear this shit all of the time.  "Wow, Lyla, thank you so much for holding Mommy's hand when we cross the street.  Mommy is so impressed with what a good listener you are."  OH. MY. GOD.  Shut up.  When I was a kid, it would have been like, "you better hold Mommy's hand or your ass is going home and you are going to sit in your room."  Let's see...which of those things more closely resembles the real world?  It's a close call (insert eye roll).

Or, "wow, thank you so much for eating your fruit.  Mommy loves it when you eat your food."  Are you kidding me?  You want ME to thank YOU for eating the $5 pint of organic berries that I drove to the store to buy for you while I am sitting here eating the $2.00 pint of half-rotted pesticide-infested berries because I am too broke from YOUR berries to buy good ones for myself?  Yeah, don't hold your breath, babycakes. blood pressure goes up just thinking of these idiotic parents.

The absolute WORST part though... I have caught myself doing it a few times lately.  Which doesn't make it any better.  In fact, it makes it even more of a pet peeve because I now hate myself.

Moose has been having some trouble laying down on the changing table lately.  For some reason though, she did a good job of it the other day and I found myself saying, "Wow, Moose, thank you for laying nicely so that I can change your diaper."

As soon as the words came out, I wanted to punch myself.  Yes, Moose, thank you for allowing me the pleasure of changing the shit that has now caked onto your fat ass.  I so appreciate the honor that has been bestowed upon me.

No.  No no no.  She should not be thanked for that because it gives her the impression that she is doing me a favor or that she is doing some out of the ordinary.  Talk about the wrong message.  The right message is that she needs to lay nicely or there will be consequences.

It literally nauseates me that those idiotic words even came out of my mouth.  I have become one of the people I hate.

Wow, Moose, thank you SO much for sitting so nicely in your chair at the beautiful
beach resort that we brought you to while eating the organic food packet that we purchased
for your snacking pleasure.  I really appreciate it.

Before you get all judgey on me, let me reiterate that I am all about praise when it is due.  I think that, in the right context, it provides great encouragement and security for your child.  The right context, however, it not every time that your child draws a breath.

Plus, let's think about it logically, if you praise your child for every little thing, it will start to mean nothing.  If you told me good job for every single thing that I did, it wouldn't be special when I actually deserved the praise.  The words would become empty.

And everyone in earshot would hate you.

So, please do us all a favor, ESPECIALLY your children.  Save the praise for when they do something wonderful.  For when they help out, or speak kind words, or do something new.  Not for when they do something completely ordinary and expected like not kicking their sibling.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

In a Minute

Today, I had a parenting fail.  Moose has this stupid entertaining book of songs that she LOVES.  We were reading it for the 7th time this morning and I asked her if she wanted to hear "This Old Man" again.  She looked at me and said, "in a minute."

Let me back up a bit.  For the past 4 months or so, "no" has been Moose's favorite word.  She now has many variations of "no."
  • Oh no.
  • Mama no!
  • No more.
  • No way.
  • I said no.
All of those ways to say no and not one way to say yes.  Today, I realized that is perhaps due to what we model for her.  Today, I also realized that her way of saying "yes," is " in a minute."  Wonder where she learned that?!  (insert sheepish look).

To be fair, I entertain most of her requests, I just don't say the word "yes."  For instance, if she says, "sippy please," I say, "mommy will get you a sippy."  When she says "book," I say, "go choose a book and Mommy will read it."  So, although many of her requests are met with a "yes" action, the word "yes" is rarely spoken.

And then there is the "in a minute," which she thinks means yes.  FAIL.  When she asks for something that she can have, but not immediately, I say "in a minute."  This morning she asked for eggs.  Eggs cannot be given instantaneously, so I said, "mommy has to cook them."  Being a toddler, she of course kept asking and asking, so I said "in a minute."  Another example: when she asks to go outside, I say "in a minute, we have to get shoes on."  

When I put it that way, it doesn't seem quite as much like a fail, but it certainly reminds me to be aware of what I say.  Clearly we have modeled "no" quite a bit and now we have modeled "in a minute."  Today's response to her book was quick lesson that we need to start modeling the more "yes" a bit more in our house.

Has anyone else had any parenting fails lately?  C''ll make me feel better.

Moose and I reading.  See, I'm not an awful parent!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Monday, September 16, 2013

You will pee on yourself.

3 months after my Moose was born, I waddled my fat ass back into the gym.  Not just any gym, but an intense, yet super effective Crossfit "box."  It was a bold move on my part. 

On one of my first days there, one of the activities was jump roping.  Going into it, my biggest fear was that my jumping would register on the Richter scale, but as I began to jump, I realized that causing an earthquake was the least of my worries.

Why you ask?  Well, it is because as I started to jump, I realized, "holy shit.  I am going to pee in my pants."  No, I am serious.  I started to pee.  In my shorts.  In the middle of the gym.  I was in total shock because, at the ripe old age of 30, I had no prior experience with incontinence.  And to make matters worse, the coach that day was a guy.  A guy who co-owns the gym.

I had no idea what to do, so I just went up to him and said that jump roping hurt my foot too much (I have a foot injury) and asked if I could do something else.  Thank God he is a super nice guy and he obliged with no questions asked.  (Looking back, he totally knew what was going on, but was too nice, and/or creeped out, to say anything).

After class, I went up to co-owner (coach's wife) and was like, "look, this is so embarrassing, but I feel like I have to tell you because I don't want you to think I am lazy, but I had to quit jump roping because..."  She literally cut me off and was like, "oh yeah, I know.  You were going to pee on yourself.  I totally get it."

In that moment, I felt a rush of emotions.  Shock: how the hell did she know?  Fear: did she know because my pants are soaked and I smell like a homeless person?  Shame: everyone is talking about me.  

Thankfully she went on and said, "oh yeah.  It is normal.  Look around.  Before every jumping activity there is a line of moms outside of the bathroom."  Then the happiness hit: I am not alone.

As a side note, she then went on to tell me one of the funniest stories I have ever heard about hitting a PR / peeing.  Sadly though, I don't want to tell it on here because I try not to make a habit of embarrassing other people.  Only myself.

So, off to work I went after Crossfit, feeling somewhat comforted, but still a little freaked out that I now had to worry about peeing on myself on a daily basis (just when I had gotten through this other fear: pooping during birth).  Because, really, let's face it, peeing on yourself is a slippery slope.  It can only be followed up by the cessation of bathing and teeth brushing.

As I entered work, my face beet read from the workout and my clothes stuck to my fat rolls from sweat,   I ran into one of my friends, who was like, "um, you look like you are going to die."  I proceeded to tell her what had happened to me.  Her response, "uh yeah.  Haven't you ever noticed that I cross my legs every time that I sneeze?"

WTF?!  No, I hadn't noticed.  You know why?  Because you are a clean and lucid person, so it never occurred to me that while I was talking to you, you were peeing.  On yourself.

So, yeah, people, there you have it.  Having babies often, although not always (there are some lucky bastards out there), ruins your bladder.  Having babies can make you a sexy and vibrant, yet incontinent, young lady.

Just three girls walking along, 
peeing on themselves.

Can you get it back, you ask?  People say to do kegals.  I call bullshit.  First of all, who can remember to do those everyday?  Seriously.  You can't do them in public because the look of concentration would make people think that you are actually trying to not poop on yourself (way worse than peeing).

The advice that I most often read is to do them in the car.  That advice was clearly written by a man.  Between handing my toddler her sippy, her snacks, and her paci and trying to change the song (MORE ELMO LALA), I can barely look at the road, let alone remember to squeeze my vaginal walls together.

So, my friends, the answer is no.  You cannot get it back.  Much like perky boobs and a tight, scar-free tummy, bladder control got pooped out on the day that you delivered your sweet bundle of joy.  Just another price that we women pay.

My best advice to you is this:
1. Talk about it!  Ever since it happened to me, I talk about it with everyone.  I was at a girl's night this week and it came up in the natural progression of the conversation.  The more you discuss it, the less alone you will feel.  Unless you discuss it with men or young, childless women.  Then you will just look like a freak.

2. Try to avoid getting sinus infections, jumping rope, and dancing.  Unless you are wearing a diaper.  In that case, go for it, sexy Mama.

3. Accept it.  People will still like you.  Parking garages smell like urine and I still use them.  I bet you do too.  The same applies to people.  Even if you have the slight smell of urine, people, especially other moms, will still be your friend.  I promise.

And finally...4. Own it.  In the words of one of the people mentioned in this blog, "yeah, I pissed on myself.  So what."  That attitude, my friends, takes balls.  Love it.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Liebster Award!

Oh my goodness!  I cannot tell you how excited I am to have been nominated for this award by Michelle over at The MaMade Diaries.  She has an awesome blog; you should definitely check it out.  This is one of my favorite posts: Popsicle Stick Puzzles!

I am relatively new to blogging and have spent more hours than I care to admit trying to better my blog, both through improving my writing and trying to gain readers.  Getting this award is so motivating for me and reassures me that I am doing the right thing by investing so much time.  Thank you not only to Michelle, but to everyone who reads my blog!

Please read on to see the answers to the thoughtful questions that Michelle posed!

1. Link back to the ones who nominate you.
2. Answer the 10 questions that the nominator has for you.
3. Nominate 5-11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.
4. Create 10 questions for your nominees.
5. Notify your nominees

1. How old were you when you had your first child?  
I was 29 when I had my first child in December 2011.  My husband and I had been married for 5 years at that point.

2. What is your favorite season and why?
Fall.  I love the smell of the crisp air and the feel of cool mornings.  I love harvest scented candles and the deep color themes of the decorations.  I love seeing the leaves change colors and going to the pumpkin patch.  I love that football is starting again, so that I can watch NCAA and NFL and smile at the memories of going to high school football games.  I love having the windows open all day and night and being able to play outside without sweating.  The only thing about fall that I do NOT love is that it is followed up by winter. Eww.

3. What is a funny memory that you have from your childhood?
When I was a kid, my Grandpa would send us a weekly allowance.  With it, he would include a letter that had a "joke" in it.  The joke would literally be something like, "hahah lalala baba," but as a kid, I thought it was HYSTERICAL!  Probably because my parents had to read it to me and it was funny to hear them talk jibberish.

4. Are you named after someone?  If so, who?
Rebecca is just a name that my parents liked.  My mom was a teacher and one of her students was named Rebecca and she fell in love with the name.  Susan, my middle name, is after my maternal grandmother.

5. What is your least favorite part of blogging?
Having to learn code (very basic) for my blog.  I have updated a few things on my blog to make it either look better, be more functional, or both, and there are still many changes and updates that I want to make.  I know NOTHING about code, so I have to put countless hours into trying to find and follow tutorials to do things such as add a custom Pinterest button.  This is frustrating not only because it is confusing, but because I want to be writing and doing the fun stuff!

6. Do you have any siblings?  If so, how many?
Yes, I have one brother.  We share the same birthday (how cool is that?!), so he is exactly two years younger.  He lives about 6 hours away from us, but we still see him pretty often.  He and my husband are like kindred spirits.  It is ridiculous.  :)  I also have an awesome brother-in-law and sister-in-law who live in Cincinnati.  I am beyond lucky to have three siblings (1 by birth, two my marriage) who I love so much!

7. What is one food you could not live without?
Ice cream.  Hands down.  Without the existence of ice cream (or with a bit more self control on my part), I would have the body of a supermodel.  ;)

8. Are you a crafty person?  If yes, what are your favorite crafty things to do?
Not really, but I really wish that I was.  I see all kinds of awesome things online that I wish that I could do, but I just don't have the knowledge.  I am going to try to start doing more now that my daughter is a bit older because some of the tutorials that I see online seem pretty easy to follow.  I would also love to learn how to sew, so that is another craft goal of mine in the near future.

In the meantime though, I will continue to keep the talented folks at etsy in business.  :)

9. What is something you miss about your childhood?
This is a great question!   I was so incredibly lucky to have a childhood full of great memories.  I have tried to narrow it down a bit.  I miss the carefree summers.   I miss playing outside all day and only coming in for dinner and then it was right back outside again.  I miss hitting the tennis ball against the garage wall, drinking milkshakes in the shade and making up dances (always Michel Jackson) with our friends.  

I also miss having grandparents.  All of my grandparents (as well as my husband's grandparents) have passed away.  I miss being a kid and getting to see them.  That being said, I was incredibly blessed to have such amazing grandparents and am enjoying seeing Moose create those same awesome memories with her own grandparents.

10. What is one thing you have said or done that you always swore you would never do?
I have thought all weekend about this question and can't come up with anything!  I am sort of a "never say never person," so there are few things that I have sworn I won't do.  The one thing that comes to mind is that I have always sworn up and down that I will never get a mini-van.  Although I currently drive an SUV, I can see the depressing possibility of a mini-van in my future.  Either that or I am going to have to stop at 1 kid, not travel as much, or start packing way less.  Hope springs eternal though, so I will keep you posted.  ;)

My nominees are:
1. GF Mom Certified
2. Our Brown Eyed Girl
3. Unconventional Mommy Tails
4. Pardon My French
5. My Little Criatura

Questions for my nominees:
1. Why did you start blogging?
2. What is the one food that you absolutely cannot stand?
3. What is your most embarrassing guilty pleasure?  We all have one.  :)
4. What was your favorite childhood vacation?
5. Who is your hero?
6. How would you rather spend those extra calories: dessert or drinking?
7. What is your current obsession?
8. What song motivates you?
9. What song makes you want to take a knife to the car radio?
10. What is the "go-to, too tired to cook" dinner at your house?

Friday, September 13, 2013

You know you are a Mom when..

You know you are a Mom when...
  • You look into your child's closet and realize that her most mediocre outfit is nicer than the best outfit you own.  Much nicer.
  • You are 10 minutes into a car trip by yourself when you realize that you have been listening and singing along to an Elmo DVD / CD.
  • You don't turn it off immediately because your favorite song is on.  This is the la la la.  Elmo's song.  La la la la...
  • You no longer close the door when you use the bathroom.  What's the point?  As a side note, this  can become awkward when you forget to close it when you have company.
  • Waking up at 8:00am is sleeping in.
  • You get to work and realize that your clothes have spit up, food, boogers, poop, or some other unsightly and smelly thing on them (Body Fluid Indifference).
  • You talk about things like poop in normal conversation.
  • You go out in public feeling pretty spiffy because you have your "nice" yoga pants on.  
  • Your "purse" weighs at least 10 pounds and has enough food in it to survive at least a month in the wild.
  • A month alone in the wild sounds like a relaxing vacation.
  • Not one of the above things bothers or phases you once you see your baby's sweet smile in the morning.

Please share your thoughts with me.  What are your "you know you are a Mom when" moments?!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Wordless Wednesday #2

Pre-baby flashback to skiing in Stowe, Vermont.  It was the first time I had been so high on a snowy mountain and the beauty and stillness was amazing.  The background is so surreal that I look photoshopped in.  Yeah, yeah, I know, that is a lot of words for a wordless post.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Pooping during birth

Just typing those words was super awkward for me, but this topic has to be spoken about.  I am writing today what I wish I could have read when I was pregnant

Prior to giving birth, my biggest fear was pooping on the table.  Seriously.  Hell, who I am trying to kid?  It still is amongst my top fears.

In case you have not yet heard of this phenomena, it is real.  You read about that sh&$ (no pun intended) all of the time.  At least I did.  If you were to google "pooping during childbirth" on my computer, the first 50 pages would have be marked as read.  The most common theme in what I read was that, even if you do poop, you won't even care because you will be so tired, in pain, and excited.  Ha.  That's bullish*$.  There is no level of pain in the world that could make me be like, "hey, just crapped myself.  No big deal."

I lost sleep over this.  It is to the point where it has become an irrational fear.  Some people are claustrophobic (me), some people are afraid of heights, some fear sharks or loud noises.  I fear pooping during childbirth.

In fact, I feared pooping so much that I tried to talk my doctor into letting me have a C-Section.  I was unsuccessful.  I mean, have you seen my hips?  Of course I didn't need a C-section.  I was born to push babies out of my who-ha.

Not to downplay the pain and recovery of a C-section, but I hope all of you lucky C-section girls out there realize how much more glamorous that procedure is when compared to one where you lift and spread your legs and take a crap on the table.  Oh my God...ewww...I am literally cringing while writing this.  I am a lady, I shouldn't even have to utter those words.

I mean, do you realize how disgusting it is to poop on yourself?  And that wasn't even my biggest concern.  The embarrassment of pooping on myself in front of a room full of people, including my husband, is enough to give me the shakes.  STILL.  Yes, my friends, I have already given birth and I am still afraid of pooping on the table if I have another child someday.

One of my good friends is a nurse, so I asked her about it.  She was like, "Becky, poop doesn't even phase me at all.  I deal with poop every single day.  It doesn't even register.  Furthermore, having a child is such a beautiful process that you won't even care if you do poop on the table."  Although I understood her logic, it didn't make me feel any better.

So, during one of my last appointments prior to delivery, I asked my Doctor and her nurse about it.  They both said the same thing as my friend, but added, "if you could see what else comes out of you, you would realize that poop is the least gross thing."  

Here is why my fear is irrational though.  I realize that the placenta, blood, and other nastiness that comes out of you is way grosser than poop, but I DON'T CARE.  None of that bothered me.  Only the poop.

The night before my induction, after spending all day in the hospital "softening my cervix," my parents took my husband and I out to our last "no baby" dinner.  We went to one of my favorite Italian restaurants.  I ordered plain pasta because I was so afraid of pooping the next day.  Obviously I skipped the salad.

Going into the delivery the next day, I was literally petrified.  Most people are fearful of many things, including the pain or some other complication.  Nope, not me.  I trust my OB and I can handle pain (plus, I had drugs), but the poop.  Oh man, the poop.

If you have stuck with me this long, I know that you are hoping to hear one of two things.  1. I did poop and I didn't care because it is really not a big deal.  2. I didn't poop because that is just a myth.  Sorry, folks, neither of those things are true.

I have no idea if I pooped.  I was so numb that my husband and nurse had to lift my legs up.  Talk about sexy.  I didn't feel a damn thing.  I am convinced that I did poop, but that could partially be the irrational fear talking.  My husband says I didn't, but I am convinced that he either doesn't want me to talk about it endlessly and refuse to have more kids or he has tried to block it out of his mind so that he can find me attractive.

And the worst part of it all?  I do care.  I care so much.  Through all of the nastiness, the pain (prior to epidural), and the joy of having my sweet, sweet girl, I still care about pooping on the table.  When and if I become pregnant again, I will spend every day of the 9 months worrying about pooping on the table.  Unless, of course, someone comes up with some sort of drug or 12 step program in the meantime.

Ladies out there, please tell me that some of you were also afraid of pooping on the table!!  Please.

At least I also "pooped" out this bundle of joy.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Jogging with a toddler... not for the weak of heart.


The preparation time alone could scare one away.  Today, I went for a run slow jog (this girl is out of shape).  Running is touted as one of the best exercises you can do because of the minimal equipment and time it requires.  Ha!  Whoever said that clearly does not have children.

Here is what a jog with a toddler looks like:

First, you need a jogging stroller.  Once you get over gagging at how much you paid for it, you have to make sure it is in the car.  Odds are, you will strain your back lifting it into the back of your SUV.  #firstworldproblems

Then, you have to get your little one and yourself dressed for a run.  Probably the easiest part.

Next, you make sure that you have your phone and headphones.  Check.

Then you need water bottles.  Yes, I said water bottleS.  Didn't you know that sitting on your butt getting pushed in a stroller is a thirst inducing activity?  Well, it is.  And consider yourself warned that a regular sippy will not do.  Once your toddler sees that you have a fun squirty bottle, she will want one too.  

Not only does being pushed in a stroller make you thirsty, it also makes you hungry, so you have to have to bring at least two packets of food (those squirty things of fruits and veggies).  God Forbid you try and bring a different snack.  Even if it is a favorite food, it won't be satisfactory for a run.  I mean, c'mon, mom, have you ever seen a marathoner eat crackers?!

Once the eating and drinking grow old, a temper tantrum will ensue, so you better pack a toy.  

At this point, you realize that you need to pack a suitcase for all of the extra stuff that you have.  

Kidding, but what you will realize is that your toddler pooped in her pants, so it is back to the diaper changer.  Once your toddler realizes that you are going upstairs, instead of outside, she will throw a fit to put all other fits to shame.  "OUTSIDE!! AHHHH!!"  

At this point, you will reason with them.  LOL!  Kidding again.  You can't reason with a toddler, you fool.  

Finally, 30 minutes from when you began, you are reading to go for your run.  

While running, plan on stopping at least every 5 minutes.  The water bottle, toy, paci, and two packets of food can't serve themselves now, can they?  

If you are really lucky, like I am, you will have also brought your dog (add 10 minutes onto your getting out of the house time) and you will be pushing a stroller that looks like this.

No freakin' joke.  I wish I was kidding, but this is seriously what happened to me on one several of my running adventures.  Another warning: once this happens to you, people will stop to take pictures of you on the trail.  Again, no joke.

The good news: after you complete your run, you will be proud that you did it and extra proud of all of the calories burned running while pushing a dog, a baby, and 10 pounds of gear.  

The bad news: the stress of this above described events will have driven you to drinking, which will add back on those calories.  Ah well! :)

Friday, September 6, 2013

My husband does more than I think

Oh my goodness.  Until tonight, I didn't realize how much my husband actually does.  All of this time I just thought that he existed to take out the trash and make my house a little dirtier.

Along those lines, I have to admit that I sometimes rail on him for not working as hard as I do around the home.  To be fair to me, that is true.  Although he is a wonderful and hands-on father, he really doesn't do as much as I do around the home.  Especially when it comes to waking up with the Moose.  He has done it once.  It was my Valentine's Day gift.  He still talks about it.

Tonight that all changed.  My level of appreciation for him went way up.  Like skyrocketed.  I am very fortunate that my husband does not travel, so he is always here to help with the day to day.  This week though, he has a business trip.  When he told me, I kind of shrugged it off and my only thought about it was that I wish I could go with him and do some shopping.  A girl has gotta have her priorities, right?

As I was putting the Moose to sleep tonight though, I had some more time to think, which lead to a major panic attack.

* What will I do if I can't get her to sleep?  Hubbers goes upstairs and comforts her if she wakes up.  If I go up, she cries.  I guess I could keep her up with me, but that will cause me to lose both my patience and sanity.

* Who will cook her breakfast in the morning?  During the week, she likes over easy eggs and I only make scrambled.

* How in the hell am I going to shower in the morning if he isn't here to watch her??  I can wake up early and do it before she gets up.  With my luck though, she will also wake up early.  Plus, I hate waking up early.

* Who will I talk to when I come home from work?  I wish I had family in town.  They would have me over for dinner.  Note to self: DVR some Tabatha so that I don't die of boredom.

* How on God's green Earth am I am going to survive this business trip?!?  Why is my life so hard?  #firstworldproblems

It was after that train wreck of thoughts that I realized, "wow.  If I am going to miss him that much, he must do more around the house than I previously thought."  Crap.  I should be more grateful and less of a bitch.

That realization made me realize three MORE things:
1. Single moms are freakin' amazing.  FREAKIN' AMAZING.
2. I would be a shi$$y single mom.
3. I am a wuss because he is only going away for one day.  Yup.  All of that over one day.

So, there it is.  I said it, Husbandito, so I hope you are reading this.  You are very helpful around the house and this impending trip is making me realize it.  So, thank you.  And PLEASE do not ever go away again.

Moose and DaDa having fun on the beach.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

At the Beach (Like a Boss)

I wanted to find a way to chronicle the vast array of activities that Moose took part in while at the beach.  When I tried to come up with captions, they just kept coming in my head to the tune of "Like a Boss."  While entertaining, "Like a Boss" is not a very child-friendly song, so I changed the words to "At the Beach."  The tune is still "Like a Boss" though because, look at this kid, she is a boss.

Struts her stuff.
At the beach.

Checks out ocean.
At the beach.

Does some yoga.
At the beach.

Waves at planes.
At the beach.

Digs a hole.
At the beach.

Eats some sand.
At the beach.

Crashes waves.
At the beach.

Flies up high.
At the beach.

Swings around.
At the beach.

Eats more sand.
At the beach.

Takes a break.
At the beach.

Plays some 'ball.
At the beach.

Takes a pic.
At the beach.

Drinks some water.
At the beach.

Throws some sand,
At the beach.

Finds a hole.
At the beach.

Eats a snack.
At the beach.

Gets some sleep.
At the beach.

Filled with joy.
At the beach.

Washes feet.
All done beach.