Body Fluid Indifference

Dear Glowing, Expectant/New Mommy,

Up until this point, you were probably a pretty clean person.  I am going to assume that prior to going out in public, you mad sure that your clothes were clean.  You probably didn't poop in your pants, and, if you did, you would most likely change them before going outside.  If you were sick, and your probably were at least once in the past 9 months, you likely tried to make it to the trash can before losing your lunch.  Again, if you didn't, I would put money on the fact that those clothes went right in the laundry.

I can assume of all of those things because that is what civilized people do.  We live in a society that generally frowns upon body fluids showing their face (smell) in public.  Overall, not a bad societal norm.

My husband and in our cleaner days

Now here is the part that no one tells you.  Not only will you start to go out in clothes that are covered in body fluid, but it won't even phase you.  As you stand there now, in your glowing state, taking the wipes out of your wipe warmer to change your baby's soft little butt, be sure that one day, you will be elbow deep in that same baby's poop.  Here is the real shocker though: you won't care.  It won't even phase you.  Guarantee it.  You are going to turn into the smelly, frazzled mother who you turn your nose up to at the store.  The mother who you swear you will never be.

The change just sort of comes upon you after at least one all of these things below happen to you, so just prepare yourself.  They will happen.

One day, you will get to work, only to look down and see that you have spit up on your shirt.  Not just on your shirt, but right on the boob, so that it looks like you had a lactation mishap (which, honestly, is another real possibility).  Not only does spit up not look great, but it smells disgusting, which will be confirmed by the guy in front of you at Starbucks who turns around and wrinkles his nose in disgust when you get in line.

Your baby will have an asstastrophe (a term my friend and I use to refer to catastrophe involving the butt) and the poop will get under your fingernails.  The first time it happened to me was actually not with my own child, but with one of my closest friend's little girl.  It happened in a restaurant.  A restaurant that was 2 hours from our home and had a dessert buffet.  Not only was there poop all over the highchair and booth, but we had to carry the poop covered little girl right past the dessert buffet to get to the bathroom.  Seconds, anyone?  As I was scrubbing my girlfriend's poop covered purse, a stranger came out of the bathroom and said, "umm...I think your friend needs you." She did because the entire bathroom (including my friend) was covered in poop.  Thinking back on it, the fact that the restaurant didn't temporarily close down to try and clean up the mess that we made makes me question the sanitation of the place.

The punchline: I didn't care.  Not only did I not care, but my friend and I now look back on that story and laugh.  That sweet little munchkin wasn't even my daughter and I still didn't care that I was elbow deep in her poop.  Not sure if that is because I love her like my own or if the pregnancy hormones (I was a few months along at the time) start this uncivilized change in you, but I literally didn't care.  In fact, we continued on to the next store like nothing had happened.  Bam!  Moms are awesome.

Your child will poop in the tub.  I thought I had escaped that one, but today, my 19.5 month old darling pooped in the tub.  It was diarrhea.  Pre-baby, I would have probably taken an ax to the tub and filed an insurance claim, but today, I stuck my hands in and took care of it.  Gross, yes, but, honestly, it didn't phase me.

Lastly, even if you strike an agreement to handle all of the poop issues if your husband takes on all of the barf, your baby will inevitably puke when your husband is at work.  If you are lucky like me, she will puke when it is 85 degrees and you are .5 miles into your walk so that you have to carry her, both of you covered in puke, while also pushing the stroller (uphill) back to your house.  Where you will bathe her.  And she will have diarrhea in the tub.  And you will be so happy when she goes down for nap that you won't even shower.  Because it doesn't phase you.  Because, and here is the part that no one tells you, motherhood makes you much less civilized.

So enjoy your cleanliness now while it lasts because pretty soon you will be the person with poop on your clothes whose face shows up on the People of Walmart website.  You think it won't be you, but it will.

Sincerely,
The Smelly Lady behind you at Target whose shirt looks like it was attached by a flock of pooping pigeons on crack
aka All Moms of the world