Thursday, July 25, 2013

Body Fluid Indifference

Dear Glowing, Expectant/New Mommy,

Up until this point, you were probably a pretty clean person.  I am going to assume that prior to going out in public, you mad sure that your clothes were clean.  You probably didn't poop in your pants, and, if you did, you would most likely change them before going outside.  If you were sick, and your probably were at least once in the past 9 months, you likely tried to make it to the trash can before losing your lunch.  Again, if you didn't, I would put money on the fact that those clothes went right in the laundry.

I can assume of all of those things because that is what civilized people do.  We live in a society that generally frowns upon body fluids showing their face (smell) in public.  Overall, not a bad societal norm.

My husband and in our cleaner days

Now here is the part that no one tells you.  Not only will you start to go out in clothes that are covered in body fluid, but it won't even phase you.  As you stand there now, in your glowing state, taking the wipes out of your wipe warmer to change your baby's soft little butt, be sure that one day, you will be elbow deep in that same baby's poop.  Here is the real shocker though: you won't care.  It won't even phase you.  Guarantee it.  You are going to turn into the smelly, frazzled mother who you turn your nose up to at the store.  The mother who you swear you will never be.

The change just sort of comes upon you after at least one all of these things below happen to you, so just prepare yourself.  They will happen.

One day, you will get to work, only to look down and see that you have spit up on your shirt.  Not just on your shirt, but right on the boob, so that it looks like you had a lactation mishap (which, honestly, is another real possibility).  Not only does spit up not look great, but it smells disgusting, which will be confirmed by the guy in front of you at Starbucks who turns around and wrinkles his nose in disgust when you get in line.

Your baby will have an asstastrophe (a term my friend and I use to refer to catastrophe involving the butt) and the poop will get under your fingernails.  The first time it happened to me was actually not with my own child, but with one of my closest friend's little girl.  It happened in a restaurant.  A restaurant that was 2 hours from our home and had a dessert buffet.  Not only was there poop all over the highchair and booth, but we had to carry the poop covered little girl right past the dessert buffet to get to the bathroom.  Seconds, anyone?  As I was scrubbing my girlfriend's poop covered purse, a stranger came out of the bathroom and said, "umm...I think your friend needs you." She did because the entire bathroom (including my friend) was covered in poop.  Thinking back on it, the fact that the restaurant didn't temporarily close down to try and clean up the mess that we made makes me question the sanitation of the place.

The punchline: I didn't care.  Not only did I not care, but my friend and I now look back on that story and laugh.  That sweet little munchkin wasn't even my daughter and I still didn't care that I was elbow deep in her poop.  Not sure if that is because I love her like my own or if the pregnancy hormones (I was a few months along at the time) start this uncivilized change in you, but I literally didn't care.  In fact, we continued on to the next store like nothing had happened.  Bam!  Moms are awesome.

Your child will poop in the tub.  I thought I had escaped that one, but today, my 19.5 month old darling pooped in the tub.  It was diarrhea.  Pre-baby, I would have probably taken an ax to the tub and filed an insurance claim, but today, I stuck my hands in and took care of it.  Gross, yes, but, honestly, it didn't phase me.

Lastly, even if you strike an agreement to handle all of the poop issues if your husband takes on all of the barf, your baby will inevitably puke when your husband is at work.  If you are lucky like me, she will puke when it is 85 degrees and you are .5 miles into your walk so that you have to carry her, both of you covered in puke, while also pushing the stroller (uphill) back to your house.  Where you will bathe her.  And she will have diarrhea in the tub.  And you will be so happy when she goes down for nap that you won't even shower.  Because it doesn't phase you.  Because, and here is the part that no one tells you, motherhood makes you much less civilized.

So enjoy your cleanliness now while it lasts because pretty soon you will be the person with poop on your clothes whose face shows up on the People of Walmart website.  You think it won't be you, but it will.

Sincerely,
The Smelly Lady behind you at Target whose shirt looks like it was attached by a flock of pooping pigeons on crack
aka All Moms of the world


21 comments:

  1. So true - the thing I hated was that the stuff all over my clothes was only ever visible to me when I got to work.

    Thanks so much for sharing at the Friday Baby Shower, I will be featuring you at this week's party, Alice @ Mums Make Lists x

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  2. Haha! What a giggle, reading your post. Most of this is spot-on for me, especially now that I've got a newborn and a toddler in tow.

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  3. Thanks so much, Alive and Jelli! Your comments mean so much to me. I am glad that I am not alone. Now when I get something on my clothes, I don't even care because it is just part of my routine. At this point, having clean clothes might actually un-nerve me. ;) Jelli B, with a newborn and a toddler, I don't know how you do it! Alice, thank you so much for featuring me. I really enjoy your blog, so it means a lot to me! :)

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  4. ROFLOL... yeah, we're having #8, so I got over the "gross" stuff ages ago... plus, I'm a nurse, so I get plenty of even MORE gross stuff there! Enjoy these moments... you'll miss them, someday.

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    1. Wow! 8...you are the bravest person I know. :)

      You are totally right about missing those moments. Moosey is 21 months now and I already miss her being a baby, spit up and all.

      Congrats on the upcoming arrival of #8 and thank you so much for the comment!

      Becky :)

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  5. bahahaha yes!! This is so great. My husband still hasn't reached this phase of uncivilization because when baby poop got all over the wall and ceiling he begged me to please please please clean it up for him! Great post & thanks for linking up with The Mommy Mondays Hop

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    1. Lol! My husband is totally the same way. He acts like he is dying every time he has to change a poopy diaper (and I can count on my hands how many times that has even happened). I guess it is a Mom thing...must be in our DNA.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!
      Becky :)

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  6. Loved your post. Funny and true. Thanks for the read. :)

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    1. Thank you so much! Glad you can relate. :)

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  7. This is SO true. Long story short we were at the lake this weekend with a bunch of college students my husband works with. Baby girl was jumping into the lake (no swim diaper. I forgot them.) Have you ever seen a diaper explode from holding too much water? WEll that in itself is gross, but then because the diaper exploded she ended up skinny dipping, but I didn't want her to get a splinter from the dock on her sweet bum so I put my husband's shirt down. Yep, guess who peed all over it? And then who wore it the rest of the day? Yeah, my husband's a trooper :)

    Thanks for linking up!

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    1. Hahaha! I seriously laughed out loud when I read your story. Your husband deserves a medal for that one! I bet that prior to having kids, he would have said "NEVER" to that scenario.

      And I have yet to see a diaper explode, but I can only imagine!

      Thanks so much for your comment and hilarious story!
      Becky :)

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  8. I love this! So true! Thanks for the laugh. Stopping by from Mommy Mondays. :)

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    1. Thank you so much! I appreciate the comment. :)

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  9. Becky, It's been a long time since them days but I remember all too well. I love the way you interpreted motherhood. Thanks for sharing at Throwback Thursdays!!

    xoxo
    Denyse

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    1. Thank you so much! I am sure that there will be a day in the future where I miss these days, but right now, I long for the days of wearing a clean shirt. :)

      Thanks for hosting Throwback Thursdays!
      Becky :)

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  10. Haha ... body fluids. Oh how they are just there! I can handle most of them but snot, that freaks me out. And for whatever reason. Reagan makes an excess of it! Ugh,
    Thank you for linking to my Letting Go series.

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    Raising-Reagan.com

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    1. I am fine with all body fluids except for puke. After my experiences though, I have gotten better, simply because I had no choice!

      Good luck as we enter the cold / flu / excess snot season and thanks for stopping by!
      Becky :)

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  11. I thought being a dog and cat owner had taught me a lot in the field of poop. Boy was I wrong. Being a mom is totally different. Due to lack of sleep and extra arms, I've gotten poop or pee on me at least once a week for the last 22 months. Glad to know I'm not alone!

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    1. You are not alone at all! My daughter is 21 months and I still occasionally get covered in poop and pee. I am also frequently covered in boogers. It is really attractive. ;)

      Thanks so much for commenting! :)

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  12. Couldn't help but think of this post this week. Once my youngest was able to sit on her own we started bathing the girls at the same time (saves water and time). This had been going just fine for the last 8ish months until last week when the baby pooped in the tub...with her sister in it!!! And then you know what happened? We had one poop-free bath and then she did it again!! Thankfully, big sister is still too young to be entirely disgusted but she did say several times before today's bath that she hopes her sister doesn't poop in the tub again! :)

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  13. Lol!! No way! That is awful! I think that Josh would have thrown up. Thankfully Big Sis wasn't bothered. I also hope that Big Sis doesn't remember it and tease her with it someday when they are older. ;) I am hoping that it does not happen again!

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Thanks so much for stopping by! I would love to hear from you, so please take a minute to leave me any comments, suggestions, funny stories, or advice about this journey called Mommyhood.

Becky :)