Monday, November 25, 2013

One and Done or Two and Through?!

Before I had kids, I always knew that I wanted three of them.  After having one though, I thought, "hmmm...maybe having just 1 isn't a bad idea."

The idea of 1 was first born because of my utter disdain toward pregnancy.  My husband and I both agreed that I could not go through that again.  It was downright miserable and straining on our marriage and would only be worse when you add a rambunctious toddler to the equation.  Compounding on those factors is the fact that, if I were to be that sick again, I would literally miss out on 9 months of my sweet Moose's life, which is something that does not sit well with me.

As Myra grew through infant hood, we grew comfortable with the idea of "one and done."  Amongst many other reasons, she started sleeping through the night at 6.5 weeks and was an overall really easy kid and we figured that would never happen to us again.  Why tempt fate?

Last spring though, when Moosey was around 16 months, we started to reconsider.  While Josh and I were still fine with the idea of one, we started to feel guilty about the notion of not giving her a sibling.  He and I are both very close to our brothers and couldn't imagine denying her that unique sibling relationship.  The thought of her having to just hang out with us on vacations made me sad for her.

What sealed the deal for me was reading a blog post about a woman who had chosen to only have one child (for really great reasons).  She wrote about the rude things that people say to her (because people can't keep their damn mouths shut) and one of them was "don't you feel bad that your child could end up spending Thanksgiving alone once you are gone?"

Stupid, right?  Well, it totally got to me.  I turned to Josh and said, "that's it, we are having another child.  I never want Myra to be alone in this world."

I know, you can shoot a million holes in this argument.  I don't need you to though because I have already shot them myself.  She will have other family.  She will have friends.  There is no guarantee that she will get along with her siblings.  There is no guarantee that they will live close enough to get together.  Etc, etc, etc.  Stupid stupid stupid.

None of it matters though.  I just can't bear the thought of her being "alone in the world."  So, then, it was decided.  We would have another child.

Once it was decided that we would have another child, we decided to just go for it next year.  If we are going to do it anyway, we may as well just do it.  Plus, I am sick of hoarding baby stuff and the sooner a baby is here, the sooner I can get rid of swings, bottles, breast pumps, and exersaucers.

But, alas, I am now second guessing our decision again.  Here is why: I absolutely adore my sweet little family.  It feels complete.  I never feel like something is missing.

In fact, the thought of adding another child to the equation makes me a little bit sad.  I love my life with Myra.  I am lucky enough to work part-time, so she and I have settled into our routine, especially on our days off.  I love sitting with her in her room and playing "good morning" with her animals.  I love reading books to her while she sits on my lap.  I love cooking dinner while she sits on the floor behind me and cooks her "deep-a (pizza)."  I love going to Kroger with her and watching her "drive" the cart while simultaneously making her Lara Bars dance (yes, true story).  I watching her naked butt run to the bathroom every night to go "swimming in the bath."

Our family of 4 last Christmas. 

I love this little life that we have created and I worry what adding another baby will do to it.  I know that I would love my next child as much as I love Myra.  That isn't the issue.  What I struggle with is the fact that having another baby will significantly change our lives and, quite frankly, I don't want to change anything about our lives.  I feel like my life is perfect right now.

So, there it is, folks.  Talk about a first world problem, right?  Hell, not even a first world problem.  I know people who would kill to have just one child.  Trust me, I don't ever lose sight of that.  For me though, this is a huge decision.

What is your input?  Were you one and done?  Do you have multiple kids?  What was your motivation?

26 comments:

  1. Ashley Ponder RichardsNovember 25, 2013 at 11:22 AM

    Oh I have this same thought all the time. I had a horrific post pregnancy and I don't want that ever again. I'm so happy with our life right now but I also don't want to wait too long between children. I wish someone would just give us a child.

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  2. Well, you know where I stand in this. Some days I think about expanding our family but then other days I am grateful for the one I have. I don't worry so much about him begin alone- I think he would be fine, but it's the guilt I place on myself not providing him with the option to have a sibling. I don't think there is a right answer to this....

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  3. For me I had such difficulty getting pregnant the first time with A that there was no thinking to it. I felt like my window of opportunity to have another one was limited, so I just went for it. The thinking came into play after I was pregnant with B. Then I totally freaked out that I would miss out on sooo much of A and that I wouldn't be enough for the two of them. I freaked out more and more each day until I had B. Yes, at first it was extremely hard having the two only 18 months apart and at times I felt I was losing my mind. At times I felt like I couldn't give each the attention they deserve or be a part of every little first the way I once had been. At times looking back now, we celebrated everything A did but, when it came to B it seems like it blew by and that he went from newborn to walking, talking pooping B (our little comedian) that he is now . It was also funny because A was in the cute toddler stage and everything she did was adorable and she was so interactive, then I had this little infant that just laid there. We grew into our family and now I wouldn't change it for the world. Both of my kids were easy and are so much alike, but they are also very different. Having the two and the differences makes you notice things so much more and appreciate each one of them even more for their individuality. Besides that, there is nothing better in the world then to see the two of them interact. It doesn't matter if it's B aggravating his sissy on purpose, or if it is them snuggling. At times I feel like I get to know my babies more by seeing the two of them together. My life would not complete if I never got the chance to hear A encouraging little B and calling him Buddy, when she is trying to help him. They drive each other crazy at times but, they hate to be apart. They love to hug, kiss, snuggle and drive mommy crazy together. If B has diaper rash and is not wanting his diaper changed or has to go to the doctor, A is right there wanting to hold his hand and help him through it. Everyone has to do what is best for them and their family but, I know that our family was always meant to have an A and a B!

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  4. When my husband and I set out to have kids, granted we were young we knew we wanted a big family. I come from a huge family and loved it and all the chaos that went with it. Now having 3 and having them all so close together (which was the plan) I don't know how I would have felt if at any point I had a real routine going. Now having all three of them here feels like my normal. I think no matter what it comes down to such a personal decision. I know people look at me like I am crazy when I am out with a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a 6 month old. But I love watching my kids together, I love watching my boys hold hands when walking at the park, or the way they kiss their baby sister goodnight. They look out for each other, and I think I love that the most.

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  5. I absolutely know what you mean. Brian and I had considered having another child for Reagan and then we abruptly changed our minds because we started having issues. But now that we have worked through it the issue has come up again. We definitely would love for Rey to have a sibling but right now it is absolutely not in the cards for us. She turned three in September and I know it wouldn't happen for another couple of years. At that point is she too old for a sibling?? I don't know. It's a struggle. I figure that if it happens, it happens and it was meant to be. I know that for now, I'm not pulling the plug.

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    http://raising-reagan.com

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  6. I think the older V gets the harder it is to think of adding another baby in but even though it's scary I want more. I'd like three but we shall what happens after 2. It is scary to think of how your routine would change and how Violet would adjust but I think it's worth it. I imagine V being a sweet big sister and that makes me excited.

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  7. Agree! My friend has an 8 year old daughter who I adore. I am trying to talk her into letting us keep her. :)


    Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  8. Wow...that is awesome. I envy you for being so sure of what you want. I wish that the answer was that clear to me. I think that we will end up with another because the sibling thing will win out.


    Thanks so much for your input..it is much appreciated! :)

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  9. I agree. If I am really honest with myself though, I think that we will have another. I know that I won't regret having another child, but I feel like I will always feel guilty and regret not giving Myra a sibling. I feel like it is something that I have to do for her. Although she would never know what she is missing, I would and I don't think I could live with that. Sigh.

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  10. That is so sweet. That you for the input. I love how sweet your kid are with one another. If I am totally honest, deep down I know that we will end up having another for that very reason. The sibling relationship is so unique and I can't deny her that. Also, it would be so amazing to witness the things that you are describing. I gotta tell you though, you are a brave woman to have them 18 months apart!


    Thanks for reading and commenting! :)

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  11. You are one brave and amazing Mama for having them so close together. You must never rest. :) I think the upside to that is what you said though...you never get into a routine. What has happened to me is what people warned me about. Things are finally starting to get easier, so the thought of starting over is a bit daunting. All of that being said though, I really feel strongly about not denying her a sibling, so I think that we will end up going for it. I do think that seeing her interact with a little brother or sister would be amazing (most of the time). :)


    Thanks for the input!

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  12. That is a great attitude to have! I feel like I am totally over thinking it at this point, which is making it worse. I sometimes wonder how I would feel if it wasn't in our hands. Like if we had trouble getting pregnant this time around. I want to think that I would feel somewhat of a relief that the decision would be out of my hands, but I know that I would end up feeling more frustrated than I am now. So I am at least thankful to have the option.


    I think that we will end up going for it just to give her a sibling, but, if we didn't, I know she would be fine. Spoiled rotten (as she already is), but fine. :)

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  13. I agree! The older that Myra gets, it becomes harder to think of adding in a baby because life is getting easier and easier as we settle into our routine. If we do decide to go for another one, which I think we will, we will stop at 2 though. In addition to everything else, kids are expensive! I agree with you though...seeing Myra with a sibling is something that I look forward to. Good luck deciding what to do!

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  14. I am just like you! Some days I am excited by the notion of another child and some days I am terrified! I think the same thing as you though. As we were driving to my brother's house for Thanksgiving, I turned to my husband and said, "if we don't give her a sibling, she will never have a siblings house to visit on Thanksgiving. What about when we are gone?" It is a tough, tough decision though, with no right answer. Like you said, if it is meant to be...


    Thanks for your input and good luck deciding!

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  15. I won't even answer whether I was one & done or two & through or three brings glee, lol. The reality is that this can only be decided by you & your husband. What completes the two of you? No matter what anyone would say, if it is not right for the two of you, no matter what you decide, you would make life miserable for all of you. You owe no one an explanation other than, "We were complete at 1 or 2 or 3 or none." Make the decision that completes you. May you make the right decision!

    Much happiness this Christmas season!

    Joanne

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  16. I have 2 precious little girls. I have not had easy pregnancies, but they are worth it to me. I loved my life with just the 3 of us, but knew I wanted my oldest to have a brother or sister. That was important to me. I want her to have someone after my husband and I are gone. I've known only children who once they lost both parents felt alone, even surrounded by their own family and friends. My grandmother was an only child who had 7 children. After both of her parents died, she felt a bit alone.

    I understand your concerns, but honestly, I think another child will open your heart even more and seeing your daughter with her sibling will make it worth it. My heart fills up when I hear my girls laughing with each other or see them playing. It makes me know I did the right thing. Now, I want a 3rd because I want more of that. (My husband is not convinced though). Good luck to you as you make your decision.

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  17. I totally understand where you're coming from. I mean I could have written this exactly! I don't want another for me. I hated being pregnant and my son didn't sleep until 8 months. I never want to go through that again, but I feel sad when I think about him being alone with no family :( And actually typing that makes me get a huge lump in my throat :(

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  18. The explorer's mum!December 10, 2013 at 6:01 AM

    I have the same argument with myself on a daily basis. We are happy with just our son; we feel that our family is complete. We feel like a complete unit and there is an underlying worry that as adding to it couldn't make it better, perhaps it will make it worse. But then, like you, I have doubt. Will he be alone when we're gone? He doesn't have any cousins (yet) and I wonder what will happen if this never changes. I have 2 brothers and when we're all round at my parents' house,I love the feeling of a big family, arguing playfully and laughing around the table. We've decided to go for it and expand our family, but I can't questioning our decision either! It's a tough one, I guess there isn't a right answer. Thanks for posting - found you on Turn It Up Tuesdays Blog Hop

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  19. Thank you so much for the thoughtful input. It is much appreciated! I just wish that the answer was simple, but I guess rarely is that the case with the important decisions.


    Merry Christmas to you as well! :)

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  20. Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I think that the sibling thing will push us over the edge towards having another one. I think that I will love seeing what you talked about: watching my daughter interact with her baby brother / sister. And I know from personal experience how special a sibling relationship is. I just wish that my husband could be the one to be pregnant and give birth this time! ;)

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  21. I know! Me too. It breaks my heart to think of Myra being alone in the world, which is why, deep down, I know that we will go for #2. I feel like it is the most important thing that we can do for her. Wouldn't it be nice if the men could do the pregnancy and child birth thing though?! Then it would be a much easier decision.

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  22. Thank you so much for sharing your story! Like you, I think that we are going to just go for it. My desire for her not to be alone in the world someday outweighs my not wanting to be pregnant and feeling complete right now. I have no doubt that I will love the next little one just as much as I love my daughter, but, again I feel like my family is complete though. Oh well; I guess the plight of a Mother is doing what we feel is best for our children and I think that what is right is to give her a sibling. Sigh!


    Good luck as you "go for it!" Hope you have a good pregnancy.

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  23. I always wanted more than one child but I did not expect it would take me over four years and lots of 'stuff' to have one. After our miracle was born we both agreed we wanted another but we would not go through all that 'stuff' again. If it was meant to be it would be and thankfully it was meant to be! But now I know I am done. You have to listen to your heart and your body. I was sick too and I did feel like I missed out a little with my son because I was on the couch so sick for a few months. I have a friend who has three and she said she always felt like something was missing when she had two. Then the third came and she felt complete. I feel complete that is how I know I am done. It sounds like you feel complete now but maybe in a couple years you will feel different.

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  24. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so excited that you were able to have a second after having trouble getting pregnant with the first. Sometimes I feel really selfish for even giving this so much thought when some people have to go through so much to get pregnant.


    And you are right, I am hoping that at some point, I will just start to feel like something is missing. For now though, I do feel complete with our family.


    Thank you so much for reading and commenting! :)

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  25. I'm pregnant with boy# 2 now:) I am very happy to be giving my toddler a baby brother. I'm looking forward to watching them interact and play together. My husband and I are 90% sure we're ' two and through'. The only thing is I know my MIL would like a granddaughter and some of my other family made comments about hoping I have a girl. Well the ultrasound showed boy and I am completely happy:)! My relatives will just have to get over it. I feel two kids is the right amount for us. I hope I will have the 'complete' feeling once my second son is born .

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  26. Congrats on the pregnancy!! How exciting! And you are right...people need to get over it. I think that having two of the same sex is great. Brothers have a really cool relationship. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! :)

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Thanks so much for stopping by! I would love to hear from you, so please take a minute to leave me any comments, suggestions, funny stories, or advice about this journey called Mommyhood.

Becky :)