Thursday, November 7, 2013

What my life would be like with 2 sets of triplets

Holy hell.  I just saw a headline that said "couple welcomes their second set of triplets."  Second set of triplets.  Let's do the math, that is 2 pregnancies, netting in 6 children.  Oh, but wait, they also have a 3 year old.  So, in two months, these people will have a 3 year old, 17 month old triplets, and newborn triplets.  Just shoot me.

Seriously.  Can you imagine?  I did and it isn't pretty.

Two sets of triplets?!?!  All under 20 months?!?

First, let's think of what that does to your body.  Having 1 ruined me.  3 at once though...TWICE?!  Hell, I would just give up.  Resign myself to Grandma bras, girdles, size 17 feet, and adult sized diapers.

On the upside though, the birthing itself would be a piece of cake.  Personally, I would notify the doctor that she could just stay home on the day of my delivery because, let's face it, after birthing one set of triplets (and another baby), the other set is just going to fall out.  "Oh, hey, Hospital Receptionist, don't mind me, those are just babies falling out of my who-ha.  Do I still have to pay for a room?"

After they scooped up the babies from the floor and whisked me to a room (they said I did have to pay for one), I would make a valiant effort to breastfeed.  Too bad I only have two boobs and 3 babies.  This would be the point where I would have to pick the two babies I liked the best.  Sorry #3, Mommy is out of boobs, so guess you can't eat.  The hospital cafeteria makes a mean jello though, so you aren't totally out of luck.

While I was in the midst of deciding which kids deserved to eat, I would then remember, "holy shit, I have four more kids at home."  That is precisely when I would fake a heart attack to let them keep me in the hospital for longer.

Sadly, they would eventually release me and I would go home to my 7 kids.  7 kids.  3 of whom are babies.  How do you even manage that?  Well, the good news is that I wouldn't have to manage it for awhile because, after having my second set of triplets, my fat ass would not fit through the door frames in my house.  That would buy me some peace and quiet in a tent in my backyard while the doors in the house got widened.

Alas though, I would have to go in, and that is when all hell would break loose.  I mean, even if you resign yourself to the fact that you will spend the rest of your life elbow deep in spit up, dirty onesies, and baby shit, you still have 4 other kids to worry about, 3 of whom are only 17 months old.  It is likely that, unless you have an 8 bedroom house, most of munchkins are probably sharing bedrooms, so nobody will sleep.  Probably ever again.

I guess I would then put my house for sale because, let's face it, with 7 kids, 6 of them under 2, it is only a matter of time before the bank takes it back.  Diaper bills and formula (the damn social workers at the hospital said that Jello wasn't sufficient for #3) don't come cheap, especially when you have 6 kids in diapers.

I guess at that point, I would have no choice other than to star on a show on TLC.  It would be between a Kate Gosselin type show where I showed the world what I look like with fake boobs how I raise 7 kids and an extreme weight loss after baby show because America just loves a good success story.  Ultimately though, I am pretty damn boring, so my show would get canceled and I would be left, homeless, with 7 kids.

My "It's Okay" posts, typed from the free computer at the library, would consist of things like, "it's okay...that I haven't showered in 3 years 2 months and 17 days and it's okay...that I sort of wish that I only had one set of triplets."

So, to those poor souls who are expecting their second set of triplets, I wish you a heart full of patience and a house full of joy.  I hope that you have plenty of diapers, a prescription for Valium, a bus to put your kids in, and a house with padded walls.

God Speed, my friends.  God Speed.


  1. This is the funniest thing I've read all day! I have tears in my eyes!


  2. Not to mention the fact that when you have sex after that many babies you can't feel shit so you should just give up entirely on that and move to some remote island where you don a unibombers outfit.

    This was hysterical as usual!

    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo

  3. Now that's a woman on fertility drugs! And I just can't believe that one set of triplets wasn't enough to fulfill that life long mommy dream. Personally, I would have told them to remove my ovaries after the first set!

  4. No thankyouverymuch! My aunt and uncle adopted two kids and then got pregnant with one more. Decided to try for a 4th and BAM triplets. Kill me! Within one year they went from childless to 6 kids. No thanks!

  5. Thank you so much, Beth! I appreciate you reading and commenting! It means a lot to me! :)

  6. Lol! I TOTALLY agree!! I have no idea what is wrong with people.

  7. No way!! That is insane. Talk about a serious lifestyle change. I feel like that would kick me into some sort of drug habit. Lol! ;)

  8. I can't even imagine myself having a kid now.. let alone triplets or quintuplets. :o In 2 or 3 years maybe.. but not triplets..!

  9. Agree! I seriously cannot even imagine how much work that would be. Yikes.

    Thanks so much for reading and commenting! :)


Thanks so much for stopping by! I would love to hear from you, so please take a minute to leave me any comments, suggestions, funny stories, or advice about this journey called Mommyhood.

Becky :)