How the hell does one gain 7 pounds in a week, you may ask? The answer to that is simple. Fluid. F'in fluid retention. Another wonderful truth that is hidden from you during pregnancy.
As a young, glowing, early stage pregnancy (or thinking of becoming pregnant) woman, you are probably thinking of all of the adorable expectant Mommies who you see out there. They don't have fluid issues. You have visions in your head of resembling Princess Kate or Gisele. I mean, why not? You have always been thin and active. Why would pregnancy change that?
Well, honey, I hope it does not, but I want you to be prepared for another possibility. The fluid possibility. The possibility that you may resemble the GoodYear blimp. If you are lucky, it might be more like Michelin man. Either way, prepare yourself for looking like an auto parts mascot.
A few weeks after the 7 pound incident, I went back to the Doctor because I no longer had feelings in or use of my hands. The diagnosis was carpal tunnel syndrome caused by the fluid putting pressure on my nerves. Apparently it is common in pregnant women.
Luckily, I was familiar with carpal tunnel because my Grandma had it before she died. At 90 years old.
When you are 90, no one asks you how you did it. They figure it is from a lifetime of hard work.
When you see a fat person in their 20s wearing a wrist brace (yes, I had to wear a wrist brace) however, it is a totally different story. People just assume that you developed it from opening one too many packages of Twinkies. Oh no, Becky, how ever will you unwrap your morning Snickers bar?
It doesn't end there though. Apparently being the Michelin man with a wrist brace just wasn't enough for the Pregnancy Gods, so they decided to bless me with cankles. Serious cankles. Actually, one of my pregnancy regrets is that I never took pictures of my cankles. They were righteous.
The best part about my cankles is that they didn't end at my ankles. No no. They went all the way up my legs. My Uggs made my calves have a muffin top. No joke. My big, shapeless Uggs were so tight that my calf fat hung over. Calf fat. That is like TLC's "I eat 33,000 calories for breakfast" material.
Another joy of having fluid retention is that your wedding rings no longer fit, which causes you to go from being pregnant to being "knocked up." Honestly, people getting knocked up doesn't bother me in the least, but people look at your differently. I am dead serious. People smile at cute pregnant girls with shiny diamond rings. People sneer at fat pregnant people with pajama pants, a wrist brace, and no wedding rings.
At this point, you are probably waiting for the good news. Well, there is none.
I gained an estimated 15 pounds of fluid alone. I had cankles, calves the size of a Redwood tree trunk, carpal tunnel syndrome, and no neck. And the same could happen to you. Be prepared.
