Prior to giving birth, my biggest fear was pooping on the table. Seriously. Hell, who I am trying to kid? It still is amongst my top fears.
In case you have not yet heard of this phenomena, it is real. You read about that sh&$ (no pun intended) all of the time. At least I did. If you were to google "pooping during childbirth" on my computer, the first 50 pages would have be marked as read. The most common theme in what I read was that, even if you do poop, you won't even care because you will be so tired, in pain, and excited. Ha. That's bullish*$. There is no level of pain in the world that could make me be like, "hey, just crapped myself. No big deal."
I lost sleep over this. It is to the point where it has become an irrational fear. Some people are claustrophobic (me), some people are afraid of heights, some fear sharks or loud noises. I fear pooping during childbirth.
In fact, I feared pooping so much that I tried to talk my doctor into letting me have a C-Section. I was unsuccessful. I mean, have you seen my hips? Of course I didn't need a C-section. I was born to push babies out of my who-ha.
Not to downplay the pain and recovery of a C-section, but I hope all of you lucky C-section girls out there realize how much more glamorous that procedure is when compared to one where you lift and spread your legs and take a crap on the table. Oh my God...ewww...I am literally cringing while writing this. I am a lady, I shouldn't even have to utter those words.
I mean, do you realize how disgusting it is to poop on yourself? And that wasn't even my biggest concern. The embarrassment of pooping on myself in front of a room full of people, including my husband, is enough to give me the shakes. STILL. Yes, my friends, I have already given birth and I am still afraid of pooping on the table if I have another child someday.
One of my good friends is a nurse, so I asked her about it. She was like, "Becky, poop doesn't even phase me at all. I deal with poop every single day. It doesn't even register. Furthermore, having a child is such a beautiful process that you won't even care if you do poop on the table." Although I understood her logic, it didn't make me feel any better.
So, during one of my last appointments prior to delivery, I asked my Doctor and her nurse about it. They both said the same thing as my friend, but added, "if you could see what else comes out of you, you would realize that poop is the least gross thing."
Here is why my fear is irrational though. I realize that the placenta, blood, and other nastiness that comes out of you is way grosser than poop, but I DON'T CARE. None of that bothered me. Only the poop.
The night before my induction, after spending all day in the hospital "softening my cervix," my parents took my husband and I out to our last "no baby" dinner. We went to one of my favorite Italian restaurants. I ordered plain pasta because I was so afraid of pooping the next day. Obviously I skipped the salad.
Going into the delivery the next day, I was literally petrified. Most people are fearful of many things, including the pain or some other complication. Nope, not me. I trust my OB and I can handle pain (plus, I had drugs), but the poop. Oh man, the poop.
If you have stuck with me this long, I know that you are hoping to hear one of two things. 1. I did poop and I didn't care because it is really not a big deal. 2. I didn't poop because that is just a myth. Sorry, folks, neither of those things are true.
I have no idea if I pooped. I was so numb that my husband and nurse had to lift my legs up. Talk about sexy. I didn't feel a damn thing. I am convinced that I did poop, but that could partially be the irrational fear talking. My husband says I didn't, but I am convinced that he either doesn't want me to talk about it endlessly and refuse to have more kids or he has tried to block it out of his mind so that he can find me attractive.
And the worst part of it all? I do care. I care so much. Through all of the nastiness, the pain (prior to epidural), and the joy of having my sweet, sweet girl, I still care about pooping on the table. When and if I become pregnant again, I will spend every day of the 9 months worrying about pooping on the table. Unless, of course, someone comes up with some sort of drug or 12 step program in the meantime.
Ladies out there, please tell me that some of you were also afraid of pooping on the table!! Please.
At least I also "pooped" out this bundle of joy.
