Thursday, October 3, 2013

My jealousy rant: People whose parents live close by

Let me just start out by saying that I realize that jealousy is a pointless and petty emotion.  I realize that not only is it selfish and unbecoming, but that it is counterproductive.  I am a smart girl.  I realize all of those things.  I also don't give a shit.  I am jealous.

I am jealous of people whose whose parents live close by.  Not just a little jealous, but like seethingly and irrationally jealous.

Here is why.  If you have children and your parents live close by, you have NO IDEA how hard it is to survive on your own.  Seriously, you might think you do, but you really don't.

You don't know what it is like to have to pay for a babysitter just so that you can go out to dinner.  You have no idea what it is like to only get a few hours every few months to spend as a couple.  Because, let's face it, at $10 per hour for one kid, we aren't going out every other week.

Even then, when you do go out, you can only enjoy yourself so much you don't have the luxury of having your children spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa's so that you can sleep in.  Ha!  Can you people with parents far away imagine?!  That would be amazing!  A-freakin'-amazing!

If you have parents close by, you don't know what it is like to have your kid get sick and you have no one to turn to.  You and your husband have to figure out whose work is less important that day so you know who stays home.  You also have to decide who is not going to sleep because you have a sick baby.

And I have a flexible, part-time job, so this is nothing for me compared to what most people go through.  How would you like it if all of your vacation time was eaten up by staying home with a sick child?  And by sick child, I mean a child who is running around playing, but has an unexplained fever and has to be out of school for two days.

Worse yet, when you don't have parents close by, you don't know what it is like to get sick yourself.  Holy shit.  It is awful because you have no one to call.  Your husband has to go to work and you are stuck home, feeling like the walking dead and having to take care of a rambunctious toddler.

If you have parents close by, you just don't know what it is like to not have a break.  Because you have no one to turn to.

If you have parents close by, you don't know what it is like to feel too guilty to go to the gym.  If my parents lived here, I wouldn't feel guilty about taking more time away from the Moose because she would be spending time with her grandparents.  I would have them pick her up from school and I would go to the gym.  Oh my God..just the thought is like hitting the freakin' lottery.

If you don't have family close by, you can totally relate to this.

If you do though, you just don't get it.  You have no idea.  And it is not your fault.  I would be the same damn way if we hadn't have moved away from our family.  I recognize this.

And the thing is, we are lucky.  My parents are retired, so they come visit us every 4 - 6 weeks and stay for at least a week, so we have it better than most people.  When they are here, they wake up with the Moose and watch her so that we can go out.  Because they get it.  They also didn't live close to their parents when my brother and I were growing up.

My father-in-law is also retired and he comes down for a week at a time to help us when we need it.  In fact, he and my mom each came for 2 weeks when I went back to work so that Moose could have another month at home.


Moose spent the entire month of August vacationing 
at the beach with my parents.  Tough life.

Here is the thing though, it just isn't the same.  Being able to go out every night for a week isn't the same as being able to go out once a week.  It isn't the same as having your child spend the night at a house that isn't your own.

I know, beggars can't be choosers, but I warned you at the beginning that jealousy is pointless and irrational.  So, instead of being grateful that I have it better than most people, I am going to take 10 minutes to just feel bad for myself and all of my friends who are in the same boat.

So, my friends, if you are lucky enough to live close to your parents, give them a huge thank you today.  Call them, not just so that they can help out, but to tell them how grateful you are to not have to do this parenting thing alone.

Phew!  I feel so much better getting that out there, but now my pity part is over.  Gotta clean the house because my parents are coming on Monday!  :)

14 comments:

  1. True, true, true. AMEN!!! Both of us working full time, I'm on the road 80% of the time, and we have ZERO back-up plan, and no help. I hear ya sister... amen! It takes a village.

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    1. I agree 100% that it takes a village. I don't know how you do it with traveling and no family around. Yikes. Even without traveling, it is hard. So hard. As I said in the post, you can't understand it until you live it.

      Thanks for your comment! :)

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  2. I can totally relate!! It sucks sometimes!! I always liked that we didn't live in the same city as either of our parents until our daughter came along...totally changes everything!
    (ps...Did you get my little email about the no-reply thing?)

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    1. Agree! I never minded living far away until Moose came along. While I accept that we made the choice to move away, it still irks me to no end that people who have family close by just don't appreciate it. They can't until they experience it, but it is so frustrating to watch at times! I would kill to have help on a daily, or even weekly basis!

      Just got your email and responded to it. Thank you SO much for taking the time to explain what it means and how to fix it. I am going to do it when I get home tomorrow night. Thanks again so much for bringing it to my attention! I am still learning about this whole blogging thing. :)

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  3. Replies
    1. Glad to know I am not alone. You have to live it to relate to it and it sucks.

      Thanks for your comment! :)

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  4. I do relate to this a lot. When I lived in PA and my entire family {and Brian's} were in California. It was so hard, especially after I had Reagan. Then we moved home and while there is still about an hour or so away from Brian's parents and three from mine ... it was still hard because there are always those times you just want your family.
    Now that we are moving states away again, I'm not sure how I will be ... always an adventure I tell you.

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    Raising-Reagan.com

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    1. Wow...good for you with all of those moves! I bet that isn't easy with a child. Hell, nothing is easy with a child!

      One hour away is a good distance because it is close enough that your family can help, but not so close that it can be overbearing.

      Good luck with the move!

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  5. Unless your parents suck. My parents live 10 minutes away, but they don't help with childcare ever. The hand full of times I've had no one else to call and really needed a sitter, I had to pay them. Yeah. Effing seriously. Everything you described above, we've been through. I was a full-time teacher up until recently and my husband worked full-time too so, yes, I get it, entirely - sick leave: gone, date nights out of the house: ha, yeah right, sleeping in: I don't even remember what that means. Now that I'm staying home, it's much easier, thank goodness, but it would still be nice to have parents that live close by and are actually helpful. I empathize - really!

    Also, so glad you stopped by and enjoyed my "Cake Day" post & liberal/feminist/etc button!! It's so nice to make new bloggy friends!!

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    1. Ummm...you win. That is awful. I would have so much resentment if I was in your situation, although I am sure I would have to try and move beyond it. Why on earth would parents not want to help their children, especially when it comes to their own freakin' grandchildren! I seriously cannot believe that you had to pay them to watch your kids. I am sure that you wanted to throw up. I would have an easier time paying an actual sitter than my own parents. Who takes money from family?! I am so sorry for you. :(

      Although staying at home makes that aspect of life (sick time, etc) easier, it can also be harder because you have to drag your kids everywhere. Doctor. store, etc. I work part time, so when I have stuff like that to do, I usually take her to school.

      I agree...love making new blog friends! It is so much fun to get to know people!
      Becky :)

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  6. I get it. I don't even have kids and I get it. Maybe not the same as you get it, though! None of my family live anywhere near me. 3 hours is the closest and that's a cousin with 3 boys. I can't call anyone when I'm sick or when I need a ride to pick up my car. The Guy's family is... not always willing/able. It is lonely and it sucks. If I lived close, I would offer to help you out. Everyone needs family.

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    1. I have no doubt that you can totally relate. Kids or no kids...it sucks to not have help! Honestly, the worst is when I am sick, not when my daughter is sick. When you are sick, you just want your mom!

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  7. I would just like to say that even if you have parents close by they may not be the kind of parents who will take your kids overnight or at any old time because you may be the mother of twins and two at one time is too much for the old folks to handle. So if you have a parent who takes your child overnight if only just one time in your life consider yourself lucky...my twins are almost 7 and have never spent the night with either set of grandparents and both live within 20 miles of me.

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    1. Wow! That is something that I never even considered. I think that is definitely worse than my situation. At least my parents and in-laws are willing and they are all super helpful when they are here. My daughter is only 22 months and I have had several overnight trips away. I can't imagine how taxing it must be for you to never have a break.

      I guess when I wrote this, I didn't even consider situations like yours because I was only thinking of families like my own. Ugh.

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting! :)

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Thanks so much for stopping by! I would love to hear from you, so please take a minute to leave me any comments, suggestions, funny stories, or advice about this journey called Mommyhood.

Becky :)