I, however, do have a child and therefore have significantly lowered my standards of civility. It happens.
And it will happen to you. That is what this post is about. Shit that will happen to you that you NEVER thought was possible. Like having your child eat shrimp in the car. People always talk about the things that you say that you never thought you would say, but the situations that you find yourself in...THOSE are seldom discussed.
Once you read on, you will figure out why. So, here they are, folks, my universal truths of parenting:
1. Your kid will eat shrimp in a car. Why? Because they refused to eat it at the restaurant because they were too busy dipping the lemon that came with the shrimp into the ketchup that came with your fries. Yes, you read that correctly: your child spent the entire dinner dipping the lemon into the ketchup and was therefore unable to focus on the shrimp until everyone got into the car and and she realized that she was going to die on the spot without eating shrimp.
Sassy face immediately prior to declaring war on shrimp.
2. You will find yourself sitting on a toilet
And, yes, that really happened. I know that some of you have just gauged your eyes out due to that visual image, but hopefully some of you are like, "yup. Been there. This morning."
3. You will stick your face in poop. What the hell, Becky, you freak?! No, I am serious. This shit (pun intended) happens. When I went to get Moosey out of her crib the other day, the first thing that she said to me was, "I pooped." Naturally, I picked her up and stuck her butt to my face to check if she really had pooped. She had. What I did NOT know at the time, however, was that not only had she pooped, but it was diarrhea and it had leaked through her diaper and pajamas. And I stuck my face in it. It was a great way to start the day.
4. You won't really care. Again, shit happens. See: Body Fluid Indifference.
5. You will let your kids eat cookies for breakfast because you are trying to talk on the phone and pack lunches and don't want to pick that battle. Plus, the cookies have pumpkin, which is technically a fruit, so it is practically as good as eating blueberries for breakfast. And blueberries are almost as good as tomatoes. Or kale. So, really, I digress on this one. I was doing Moose a healthy favor.
Nutella: the breakfast of a champion. To be fair, this was snack, but I am a firm believer
that Nutella and bananas make a great breakfast and no one can convince me otherwise!
I could go on and on, but since my goal, believe it or not, is NOT population control, I am going to stop. Don't want to scare people off from having kids! Just want to make sure you are prepared for what will become of your life.
For those of you who already do though, please share the crazy things that are now a part of your normal life!