Sunday, October 6, 2013

Your child will eat shrimp in a car.

Okay, I know that most of you are wondering, "what the hell is she talking about?"  And, to be fair, most of your children probably have NOT eaten shrimp in a car because you either A) don't have kids or B) your kids are too civilized to eat crustaceans in a vehicle.

I, however, do have a child and therefore have significantly lowered my standards of civility.  It happens.

And it will happen to you.  That is what this post is about.  Shit that will happen to you that you NEVER thought was possible.  Like having your child eat shrimp in the car.  People always talk about the things that you say that you never thought you would say, but the situations that you find yourself in...THOSE are seldom discussed.

Once you read on, you will figure out why.  So, here they are, folks, my universal truths of parenting:

1. Your kid will eat shrimp in a car.  Why?  Because they refused to eat it at the restaurant because they were too busy dipping the lemon that came with the shrimp into the ketchup that came with your fries.  Yes, you read that correctly: your child spent the entire dinner dipping the lemon into the ketchup and was therefore unable to focus on the shrimp until everyone got into the car and and she realized that she was going to die on the spot without eating shrimp.

True story.

Sassy face immediately prior to declaring war on shrimp.

2. You will find yourself sitting on a toilet one day everyday, with the door wide open, holding a stuffed Elmo and a stuffed owl on your lap while your toddler stands in front of you, touching your knees, asking you to sing "EIO."  And you oblige.  Because, really, at that point, is there any shame left?

And, yes, that really happened.  I know that some of you have just gauged your eyes out due to that visual image, but hopefully some of you are like, "yup.  Been there.  This morning."

3.  You will stick your face in poop.  What the hell, Becky, you freak?!  No, I am serious.  This shit (pun intended) happens.  When I went to get Moosey out of her crib the other day, the first thing that she said to me was, "I pooped."  Naturally, I picked her up and stuck her butt to my face to check if she really had pooped.  She had.  What I did NOT know at the time, however, was that not only had she pooped, but it was diarrhea and it had leaked through her diaper and pajamas.  And I stuck my face in it.  It was a great way to start the day.

4.  You won't really care.  Again, shit happens.  See: Body Fluid Indifference.

5. You will let your kids eat cookies for breakfast because you are trying to talk on the phone and pack lunches and don't want to pick that battle.  Plus, the cookies have pumpkin, which is technically a fruit, so it is practically as good as eating blueberries for breakfast.  And blueberries are almost as good as tomatoes.  Or kale.  So, really, I digress on this one.  I was doing Moose a healthy favor.

Nutella: the breakfast of a champion.  To be fair, this was snack, but I am a firm believer
that Nutella and bananas make a great breakfast and no one can convince me otherwise!

I could go on and on, but since my goal, believe it or not, is NOT population control, I am going to stop.  Don't want to scare people off from having kids!  Just want to make sure you are prepared for what will become of your life.

For those of you who already do though, please share the crazy things that are now a part of your normal life!

12 comments:

  1. I doesn't matter how old they get, children never learn to respect the idea of privacy in the bathroom. Unless of course they're the one's using it. Whether I'm brushing my teeth, taking a shower, or peeing... It's apparently an open invitation to both kids and cats alike to suddenly need to be in bathroom. I gave up on closing the door for all said activities, because it only takes under 30 seconds for them to push it open anyway.

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    1. Completely agree! I not only leave the door open, but I actually say, "Mommy is going potty. Come with me!" It just saves time and energy. Glad I am not alone in this.

      Thanks so much for commenting! :)

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  2. These are really funny! Jack is only 11 months old but I've already seen myself do some things that have shocked me. Poop, vomit, boogies....no longer bother me. Well at least my kids business doesn't. Earlier Jack puked down my leg. I flung it off with my hand and promised myself to mop later. You gotta do what you gotta do.

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    1. Lol! Totally agree. I wrote an entire post on that (Body Fluid Indifference) in July. Isn't is amazing?! If you would have told me 22 months ago that I would be entirely unfazed by all of those disgusting body fluids, I would have called you crazy! Like you, when it happens, I don't even bother to change my clothes. Who has the time?!

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting! :)

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  3. I long for the day I can go to the bathroom in peace. Oddly, I haven;t had privacy in 5 years. My dog, Willis demands to join in on the bathroom fun as well.

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    1. Lol! I hope that you guys have a big bathroom. ;) Sometimes, when Josh is home, I go upstairs to use the bathroom and then I just sit there for 5 or 10 minutes. It is so relaxing. Sort of like vacation for mothers. So sad.

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  4. OMG about the poop. Hilarious. Not to you, but still.

    I've had both the poop and the toilet thing happen. But, I'm the same as Courtney, it's the dog causing me the grief. He always brings me his toy while I'm in the bathroom. I don't understand it.

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    1. Haha! It was kind of funny actually and it was a damn effective wake up call. ;)

      That is hilarious about your dog. My dog (thankfully) doesn't do that. He sometimes comes in to investigate, but will leave when I tell him to go away. Of course that leaves the door wide open, but what can you do?!

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  5. If my husband changes a poopy diaper, I can't help it, I have to ask what the poop was like (big, small, stinky, etc). I need to know! I don't know why! Maybe it's because I'm a nurse? I don't know...I can totally see how sticking your face in poop happens, and I fully expect it to happen to me at some point.

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    1. And when it does happen to you, you won't even be fazed! Crazy, right?! And, I agree about the poop descriptions. I ask my husband the same thing. As I write this though, I wonder how did I become this person?! Lol!

      Thanks for the comment! :)

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  6. Oh the bathroom shenanigans. Violet also has some weird task that must done while I'm going to the bathroom. I'm over it, it is what it is. Also, I never thought I would stick my face in my kids butt as often as I do. I call it the poop test.

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  7. Ah, yes, the poop test. Glad I am not the only one. :) Hopefully I am not the only one is isn't phased by it.

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Thanks so much for stopping by! I would love to hear from you, so please take a minute to leave me any comments, suggestions, funny stories, or advice about this journey called Mommyhood.

Becky :)